First Tears

There was a moment when all the sounds became background noise and I could hear them just as noise as if it's some kind of background music which started fading and my view had zoomed on to her. I was hearing her, trying to understand her but barely understanding, also knowing at the back of my mind that other people present there were going on with their work completely oblivious to that not so little exchange between her and me. I could not understand her words but I could feel them, later reminding me that somebody had rightly said language will not be a barrier.

Curious to know about her family and support from them, seeing her grave diagnosis, I asked her who is looking after her and what I learnt next absolutely crushed my heart. She had no next of kin and was with her sister's daughter for now. What I had asked out of selfish reason turned out to be hope for her. It gave her warmth and she felt safe, seen and heard. I'm saying this because I saw how her face turned soft, her eyes became wet and her hands trembled to come sit on her stick. And how she talked her heart out. 

I'm privileged to have time, space to ask questions, listen and be empathetic. We as a primary healthcare center are not of much help compared to tertiary care center but I can listen to her, right? 

It broke me, completely broke me, hearing about her pain. She had no family to look after her, take her to her cancer treatments. She was in pain. So frail. So weak. So thin. She looked like she was in her 80s but she is only 66. She had lost her hearing during chemotherapy. She had to sell her gold ornaments during treatment. She stayed with her extended family during treatment. 

While sifting through her documents I had found a consented form for body donation. I wondered if she was aware of the meaning of that act of body donation or had she been conned. On asking her I was surprised yet glad that she was aware about her decision. I wonder what was her reasoning behind her decision. Maybe it was because she had no immediate family. 

I could see the loose skin on her body. It spoke to me and said that she had lost quite some weight in past few months only. I wonder if anyone ever say with her, asked her how she was doing, told her about her disease, told her what to expect and how it might go and asked her if she even wanted the treatment to extend her life or not. I imagine and am curious about her motivation and will to live. What is driving it? Does she want to live for herself at the cost of losing herself, her autonomy and a life and death of dignity?

I'm again focused out and the noise fills my ears as if someone had pressed the unmute button. How many times we are just zoomed in our problems and issues and life just goes by! And in moments like this I get epiphany that life doesn't just revolve around you but keeps going on, whether you are caught up in something grave or specific.

The thought of possibility of her being lost in Udaipur but feel seen and heard here lingers in my head because of her words saying that nobody had talked so much to her ever. While for me too when seeing so many patients she stood out and brought tears to my eyes.

I just have one wish for her that she dies a dignified death.